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All anyone truly has are their thoughts, and these are mine. I find it harder every day to believe in coincidence, so if you've found these writings, I encourage you to read on. Experience is a two-way street, and I'd appreciate hearing about yours. Love.

Friday, 4 February 2011

A Plane of Extremes.

With time comes understanding, and the amount dependent on how you use both, as they are relevant. 

I've never deciphered this dream, let alone been able to explain it. Nonetheless, I'm going to try, but first offer some background.

From what I remember, the first time I had ever been plagued by this dream was when I was 6 years old. I had been at a waterpark for a day, and the sun must have been a relentless force. I recall trying to convince friends and family members to accompany me on the children's rides all day, which was more than likely a constant struggle for both parties.

I was rundown. Overheated. I'll never forget entering the oven of a car, and seeing faces in the leaves of the trees skirting the bitumen. I didn't understanding why the rest of my family were clueless, and was jubilant upon the discovery. With every subtle breeze the leaves would move and create faces within faces. I figured that day that everything natural had some sort of face to it, and I still believe so. As we pulled out of the parking lot I must have fallen under, not before expressing my discovery and hearing for the first time the word "Delirious".

I don't exactly remember where I came to, but upon awakening... Well...  My best description of the dream is as follows:

I am on the smallest track* imaginable, slowly curving into an abyss of white in front and behind. An atom in width, my being as of such. The white is not blinding, nor even glaring. A similar path of the same qualities is running almost perpendicular to my own, and I can not sense any other beings upon it. There is no sound. There is no shadow. There is almost nothing.

What comes next happens with lightning speed, yet every minute detail is experienced.

I can only describe it as a gargantuan ball, immeasurable in size. It is rolling along my path. I realize that diving out of the way or trying to outrun it is useless; I don't even have a body.  It rolls towards me with shocking speed, growing in size the closer it becomes. When it is at it's nearest point, yet still observable, I see it is made up of the path on which I am... actually a part of. As it hits me, I become a part of the ball...

... And I wake up. And I lose my shit.

I feel I need to stress the immense speed in which everything happens in the strange subconscious event. The best way to describe the sense directly after is by using the word 'hopelessness'. The only remedy I have to get rid of the nausea and absolute fear is by running to the shower and sitting under the hot water for as long as possible. The warmth naturally sooths me, and with the steam surrounding, I am enveloped in safety. Only in the past few years have I been able to describe the dream with words, and even now I don't think I'm doing it justice.

*I use the word 'track' as I can't think of any other way to describe it. Try imagining a path of commas heading out in opposite directions to infinity slowly rising and falling. You might wonder how I know the path is so small in matter if I am of the same size. Well, I can just feel it.

I may have mentioned it to you before, and we may have talked briefly on it. All the key events are there. It has been over a year since I have last fell victim to it, and although I am intrigued in exploring it further, I'm hoping it doesn't present itself anytime soon.

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Wednesday, 2 February 2011

Surface Tension

The chair was a structure deep brown and basket woven. It's texture was never appreciated as a child for the feeling of incompleteness to the touch. Running fingers up and down would harshly meet the the skin, encouraging the imp of perverse to stretch a link even though it was painful. Sliding horizontally was like following the concert of three dolphins. The middle, nose up, just breaking the surface as the surrounding are simultaneously at the brink of immergence, never truly meeting their fellow. Strange, yet these thoughts felt so true.
And the best way to exemplify a thought, is to say that it is just that; a truth

Upon this chair I sat. A being of love sat not an arm's length away on a similar chair deficient in perfection. A man akin to a bear slumbered on a cushion inside. In the distance, an angel of light danced about a lily-filled pond, speaking to it's inhabitants. "I can speak fish language, didn't ya know?" she claims (more than asks) with distracted eyes, belief growing in her young and hopeful mind. 

Before me lazed a body of water with night-dark stone at it's base. Green and dusky browns were predominant colors throughout the surrounding garden, all shades present. Mango trees were calling out for attention from our cloud-obscured Sun, some reaching at least 30 meters, their mammoth fruit a product of their purpose. Palms spread their feather-like leaves like peacocks squaring up one another, while the green moss surreptitiously slid down the far walls and over large stones. It's growth made indiscernible by the distractingly exotic flowers.  

I felt I had traveled somewhere at that point. Not entirely in my 'reality', nor in a spiritual state. I felt somewhere between.

A dragonfly joined me in 'between'. It flew past my being of love to land on my left shoulder. Carefully, I turned my neck to examine my new friend. It's small legs worked to swivel it's perfectly balanced body, the four opaque vascular wings, and the bulbous stained glass eyes towards what was in front of me. I felt peace.

On seeing it's face, I found that contained in it's mouth was a single orb of water. The dragonfly's forelegs worked to force this suffocating element out of it's jaws, but as it's limbs entered the liquid globe with ease, they would just as simply slide out. It couldn't help itself. Impulse drew me to help, and although the situation felt akin to emergency, I empathized relief, just like I would feel if I had found someone to save my life. We knew it was safe.

I less than delicately, yet not in the least harmfully, moved my index finger to it's mouth. On contact with the water, it's sticky, elastic quality became my burden, which was wiped on my shorts, somewhat making what was only seconds ago life threatening, virtually nonexistent! I placed my finger to the dragonfly's mouth once again to check for more water, and just before contact, it's forelegs clamped around my finger... For a good ten seconds, it held me. 

I was not shocked. I was not bored. I was in a state of belief in which what was happening were absolutely natural. Only when the thought of telling the one next to me (who had seen the contact, but not experienced it) exactly what had happened, did I begin to excite. On that thought, it flew to rest on my left, pausing for a moment, and just as it had arrived, it departed.

I departed, too, but not back to where I was before the wonder. My dragonfly left with it's life. I left with it's love.

Love is a feeling I have experienced for a person before. It's a feeling that had me believe a blizzard would be no match for the warmth I held inside. Every moment is an epiphany, felt and felt again, astounding in its absolute passion for care and generosity. A smile that is almost uncontrollably exhaled from the depths of your chest, sparking a flash of euphoric disbelief in many situations others wouldn't understand. Something that all feel willing to try for, again and again. Something that all feel willing to die for, again and again.

I have experienced it for a person before. I had never experienced it for my world.
There, on my chair of imperfection, I discovered I was in love with it. I was in love with my dragonfly. I was in love with our world. I was in love with you. I am in love with all that is. I am love.

As a rough stone is shaped by a river of water, layers of thought are touched upon and sent into infinity, becoming something we may enjoy or dislike, but something we should always accept and appreciate respectfully. When all that is found unnecessary has been discarded, we will find nothing but what it was always: truth.
And the best way to exemplify a truth, is to say that it is just that; a thought.

For reasons unknown, my dragonfly and myself experienced a thought/truth that changed both our lives.

Yet it only occurred when life was in jeopardy...
... And my thoughts are beginning to accept and appreciate that we're to expect the same.